Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.