Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law