Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
How animals would run if they were human
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27