Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…