Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.