Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Breaking news:

Usage Guidelines

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?