Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.