Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back