Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Why are bridges so flammable.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm