Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.