Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I’d … I’d rather not.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…