Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Teach your children to beatbox
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.