Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*