Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want my opinion ask my wife

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.