Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

tinder is all about the long game