me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
You Might Also Like
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Man these end times are taking forever
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
