Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

Why I divorced her.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.