ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Girl, same.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”