ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said