The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY