@chuuew

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

You Might Also Like

@TheWeirdWorld

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

@drunktweets81

My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.

@AndyAsAdjective

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@Average_Dad1

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

@BoogTweets

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION