Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.