Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.
just having fun
There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.