@PickleRudd

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

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@beisswrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

@roxaroodw

I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.

@ka_unplugged

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

@TheToddWilliams

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@IamJackBoot

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.