Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”