Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.