Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.