Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
You Might Also Like
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.