Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.