Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

sometimes i miss this memes

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.