Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

?

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg