ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
You Might Also Like
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.