ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
good work, everybody
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
estão todos miauvindo?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there