Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

W

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.