Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

I hope they boil the right one.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby