Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.