me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
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What?!?
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Mad Max: Furry Road
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
What my back needs
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.