Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What a kind woman! 😂😂