Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.