Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

absolute chaos

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.