Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic