Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️