Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this