Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
dutch is not a serious language
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
a New Yorker reject, for you
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.