Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

#Caturday

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas