Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Come back with a warrant
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My background check bounced.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.