Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
🤣✨#caturday
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Friends that check up on you >