@mom_tho

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

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@lisaxy424

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

@BackrowSeats

The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.

@mrjohndarby

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

@Sickayduh

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED

Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

@jinpaynus

I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist

@ch000ch

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?