This is always good for a laugh.
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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED
Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?