Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End