me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
