Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.