me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
You Might Also Like
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
so much to do
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out