Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?