Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Batman v Dracula

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.