Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics