ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.