Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.