Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Last-minute gift idea!

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician