Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”