Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

hand it over!

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

hear me out : pockets for your socks