Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
worst…sale…ever
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
what day is it?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!