Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

New menu item

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

dogs can find happiness so easily

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.