Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.