@iwearaonesie

me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”

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@Parentpains

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

@thatUPSdude

Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?

@Carbosly

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

@not_delicate

Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.

@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”