I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.