Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”
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My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: This infomercial is so stupid.
*10 mins later*
Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.
Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.
Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”