Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*