Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Previously On Persistence 😎

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

😂🍻

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.