Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You Might Also Like
is this store having a stroke wtf
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”