Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’