Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
jesus christ confetti not now
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?