Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.