Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
6: are snakes just neck?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.