Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this