Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
A drum solo but on your face.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
