Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
