Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
when a toddler tells a story
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
