Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

ㅤ

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.