Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”