Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean