Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
what do you want
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.