Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Duolingo getting serious.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.