@Rollmaninoz

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

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@lazerdoov

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@BoomBoomBetty

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

@WaltzingRhino

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

@Holy_Mowgli

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@MarisaLange

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

@summerofbenny

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.