I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen
*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.