Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
This is sending me to another galaxy
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Birds & Planes.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
This fish is cracking me up
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf